of circuitry and circular thinking
by Static Lull
Summary: Because humans are fickle things —- connected and divided and peeling apart at the edges. And we, we were something. Weren't we? —- Sirius and Emmeline, one hundred times their lives intersect.
1. Luck

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n; **written for the 100 drabbles challenge on the HPFC forum. I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but I'll have fun doing it (and in correct hundred word drabble format). :D  
**prompt;** (14) luck  
**rating; **K+

After the war—the first one, you weren't nearly fool enough to believe you'd see this one wrapped up in fireworks and firewhiskey band-aids _(you were never so lucky)_—you see him again, all hollow cheekbones and haughty eyes, half the man he was before and it's almost sad except you'd expected it.

You don't smile or say hello, because when you've hated someone for years _(and oh you hated him)_ even if it was unwarranted, how can you take it back?

You can't. And you know this and he knows this, and even so you almost want to try.


	2. Celery

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** just to clarify, these drabbles will in no way be related unless otherwise specified, they'll have different ratings, genres, themes, etc. And Emmeline will in no way be the sole focus of these drabbles.

**prompt; **(23) celery  
**rating;** K

Emmeline Vance hates a lot of things—celery, hangnails, catching toes on the corners of things; dandelions, Arithmancy, and Sirius Black.

But hate is a little bit like a toothache minus novocain; you can't help but remind yourself that it's still there.

So, sometimes, Emmeline finds herself nibbling on a celery stalk or plucking a dandelion to watch the fuzz dangle around her cheeks, inevitably inhaling—choking, coughing, sputtering. She doesn't crumple up every Arithmancy assignment, and sometimes (rarer still) she finds herself staring at Sirius Black—his lips, his eyes, his hands— and thinks maybe there are worse fates.


	3. Letter

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** I understand three updates in less than 72 hours is a bit excessive, but I guess when you're on a roll you're on a roll. Forgive me?

**prompt;** (93) letter  
**rating;** K

There are some things Sirius Black keeps to himself—faces, letters, childish games of let's jinx him or whoever, _(and more secret still)_ the crookedness of Prongs's teeth, the curve of Emmeline's throat, the smell of fresh air and freedom—things he keeps clotted behind his ribs in a place where his weary hear and stagnant blood won't reach; shake and stir things up.

There are some things Sirius keeps from himself, because in the grunge and grime of this greying existence, remembering is always forgetting, and there are things too _sacredsinceresentimental_ to fester in a dementor's intestines.


	4. Acne

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Something fluffier to compensate for the angst.

**prompt; **(33) acne  
**rating;** K

Emmeline Vance was never his type—tall and overbearing and a solid six according to the Sirius standard scale of sexual appeal. She had too much acne and too little grace, and she might very well break his arm if he simply stared at her the wrong way.

But there was something in the curve of her lips, something in the sheen of her hair and the swish of her wrist, a certain prettiness in her scowl that shifted _something_ inexplicably.

_(less substance and more substantial)_

And Sirius isn't quite sure how he happened to fall in love with her.


	5. Peanut Butter

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt; (16) peanut butter  
rating; K**

"I think I might love you, Em."

And her heart jars violently inside of her chest, her nerves shake and shutter and throb electrically, and she looks him in the eye-- dark and stifling, like cotton pressed against the roof of her mouth, like peanut butter.

The moment is still and suffocating and Emmeline has never once known anything like this. It's thrillingly beautiful and chillingly cold, a connection on the verge of being _(or unbeing)._

_Oh_, to be young and poised on the edge of everything-- war and love and living and dying and fighting _(and giving in)--_

"Okay."


	6. Pig

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt**; (63) pig  
** rating;** K+

She can't remember the last time she could hold her head straight or heave herself upright. A long time, she thinks, but she can't number days or the bottles that have touched her lips.

The bar is empty and she thinks the spaces are screaming, and there's something poetic about the vacancy, except the barkeep's eyeing her warily and the door is scraped open and the wind that blows in is coffin-cold, the very breath of death, _her brothermotherfather's breath_.

_(and, oh, she thinks she's going to vomit)_

But the hands on her shoulders are warm and--

_"Abe, some help?"_


	7. House

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** I so have a thing for introspective Sirius pieces. :3

**prompt;** (90) house  
**rating;** K

You always dreamt of running away, ever since you were a little kid and mummy dearest and daddy darling set their hopes on ickle Reggie.

You always dreamt of running, not because you were some melodramatic teenager with a rebellious streak _(not that you weren't, mind you)_ but because you were tired of filling your lungs with dust and decay and swallowed remarks.

The House of Black was black as filth and you wanted a way out. That was it.

It was Vance who offered her place first, half Muggle and half blood traitor that she was.

You didn't accept.


	8. Cry

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Ridiculously minor sexual innuendo forces me to rate this teen. Ah, FFN standards. :D Also, this ties in with Chapter 6 (if you squint). Enjoy.

**prompt;** (85) cry  
**rating;** T

Emmeline Vance doesn't cry.

When she falls off her broom and breaks her jaw first year, she only digs her fingernails into her palm as Madame Pomfrey examines it. When she catches Edward Boot with his hand up Marlene's shirt she turns on her heel and never speaks to him again. When the Dark Mark hangs over her house, over the bodies of her family she turns to stone and alcohol.

But when Sirius Black blows apart a London street and twelve Muggles she never met _(and one wizard she did)_, she cracks.

Emmeline Vance doesn't cry.

Not often, anyway.


	9. Guitar

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Only implications of Sirius in this one. ;)

**prompt;** (26) guitar  
**rating;** T

The body beneath your fingers is twenty-two and boyishly beautiful, a Muggle guitarist you met at a pub between shots and sloppily played chords.

His name is Simon or Cyrus or some such thing--_trivial, really_. His hair is dark and his muscles lean and he whispers your name like a prayer. And you can never quite put your finger on it, but there is something horribly uncanny about him.

This relationship is never leaving his flat, you are well aware, but the war has passed and your use has gone and for the moment this is all that matters.


	10. Nail

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** I've been favoring second person lately. It's addictive like you wouldn't know. Also, happy to announce this collection is officially ten percent complete. :DDD (ignore the fact that there's still ninety percent left to go)

**prompt;** (98) nail  
**rating;** K+

The first time you speak to him _(twelve years and back again and hacking up dust in the foyer)_ is like pulling nails out of a coffin, like digging up ghosts and dressing them in flesh again.

"I'm sorry," you say. He doesn't have to ask why.

_(there are a thousand and one reasons and you're sure he knows them all)_

_--for hating you; for thinking you could possibly be guilty of it all; for mourning Peter and praying for your death; for burning all your pictures; for forgetting what we used to be; for forgetting that I loved you._


	11. Bitter

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Inspired by a scene from Jean Rhys's Wide Sargasso Sea, by far the most interesting thing I've read this year in AP English.

**prompt;** (30) bitter  
**rating;** K+

"I want to die," she tells Remus one afternoon over tea. It is bitter, but so few things come off sweet to her now.

Remus frowns. "You shouldn't say such things, Emmeline. We have to fight. The war is _so_ close to being over. _So close_." He doesn't add that he would feel the same if it weren't for Dora. That he would want to die too without Sirius.

"It's such a long time to wait before it's over," Mr. Lupin is not nearly fool enough to believe she is talking about the war, "such a long time."

It wasn't.


	12. Frog

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** After this chapter, there should be quite a few more Sirius-centered drabbles. Apologies, but Em is just so much more interesting for me to write. :)

**prompt;** (1) frog  
**rating;** K+

Emmeline knows fairytales-- knows all about Cinderella and Prince Charming and happily ever afters.

Emmeline knows princesses and pretty gowns and slippers fit for dancing. She knows magic and true love and plucking frogs out of the gutter, wishing on stars and waving wands.

_(they aren't witches and they don't have N.E.W.T.s to study for)_

She knows Prince Charming and knights in shining armor, knows favors and 'I do's and slaying ferocious dragons, sweeping maidens off their feet-- kissing them alive again.

_(they aren't caught snogging girls in corridors and secret passageways)_

Emmeline knows happily ever afters.

_(they aren't painful)_


	13. No Way

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Sorry for the pause in updating. It's due to nothing more than laziness, I'm afraid, though I have had the next eight chapters written for weeks now.

**prompt;** (19) no way  
** rating;** K

"What if we got married, Em?"

He watches her, the way her hair falls agasint her cheek blackly, the way her ribs expand with her breath, the way her forehead creases at his words--she's beautiful. She is beautiful and he would love to spend every moment with her, stare down the world, love in spite of risks.

Prongs and Evans did it. Caradoc and Marlene planned on doing it. And he would, too, with her.

She is much more practical, however.

She sees the obituaries and the rumors. She knows the price on their heads.

"Don't kid yourself."


	14. Baby

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (62) baby  
**rating;** T

_("His name is Harry," Lily grins as she sets him in your arms._

_"Harry!" Sirius exclaims, "Why, he's got no hair at all, Lil!")_

You press your fingers against your stomach.

_("Look at you, Neville," Alice coos, wiping food from his chin._

_"That's my boy," Frank chuckles, snapping a photograph.)_

You don't forget how these end--in blown apart house and psychiatric wards; in murder and in Azkaban cells. This is no world for a child. This is no world for _your_ child.

"Shh," you whisper. And then, "I can't do this."

_There's no such thing as happy endings._


	15. Kiss

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (72) kiss  
**rating;** K+

Their first kiss is a curiosity—awkward, inevitable, and almost entirely accidental.

He's half-drunk and she's half-delirious; the common room is crowded and loud, a mass of electrically charged bodies raising a toast and cheer to the Quidditch Cup, shouting, swaying, and splashing drinks on the floor.

They bump shoulders and Sirius reaches a hand out to steady her. She laughs and he leans forward—

their mouths catch.

_(breath hot and head swimming and oh this is new, oh this is love, maybe)_

It is only a moment and then they're apart. A single instant—_the beginning of something improbable._


	16. Orange

**a / n;** In truth, I've got better ones to post, but I've been avoiding adding this one for awhile, so I figure, why not be reckless. Also, minimal Em in this one.

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (42) orange  
**rating;** K+

Sirius loves being a dog--it's all sensory, rushes of smells and sounds and feeling and tastes and color, too.

Emmeline's breath is like orange and menthol. Harry's skin tastes of earth and cotton, like James's, like Lily's. The wind through the shack shrieks like full moon nights, adolescents laughing.

It's the _rawness_ he loves--the feeling of stones against his paws, the heaviness of a mud-matted coat, the thrill of feeling the snap of a rat's spine against his palate.

It's freedom, an escape, a trip back in time.

Maybe, that's why he stays that way for so long.


	17. Sky

**a / n; **I haven't the slightest idea why, but this strikes me as a weird piece as far as the collection is concerned. Oh well.

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (65) sky  
**rating;** K+

It would be horribly romantic to say that her last thought was of him. Poetic, yes, but untrue.

Truthfully, her last thought, as the Death Eaters grinned at her from behind enameled masks _(she would not raise her wand against this)_, was of the sky outside her kitchen window--a blue she thought she might fall into forever, breathing water and atmosphere; freedom, maybe.

She wondered if there was a god behind clouds, or birds, or aeroplanes. She wondered if you became vapor and slipped through branches and tv aerials. She didn't think so, but she was ready to find out.


	18. Crazy

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** Honestly, I thought I posted this one ages ago. Oh well. :3 And does anyone know why Angsty!Emmeline is so much fun to write?

**prompt;** (97) crazy  
**rating; **K+

She looks for him sometimes, after he's sent to Azkaban—expecting to find him on his couch or outside the Three Broomsticks or scraping the moon in his motorbike.

He's always halfway on her mind, and she thinks she's crazy to hope because he's locked away forever.

But then one day and for an instant he's not and she can finally breathe with the anticipation off her chest, except it doesn't last and she's looking again—in empty doorways or behind curtains or in the space between falling and disappearing—only this time she knows she's crazy because—

_He's dead._


	19. Seven

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (70) seven  
**rating;** K

When Emmeline's seven she imagines she can fit the world in her fist like the dandelions she plucks, setting the cottony parachutes on their course.

"Make a wish, Em," her mother says.

"For what?"

"Anything." _A broomstick. A chocolate frog. An owl. A true love's kiss (on the cheek, of course, because she doesn't know there's another sort)._

_—_

When Sirius is seven, his allergies are terrible the pollen and mold and dander set his eyes watering and nose dripping. He thinks dandelions'll be the death of him, hanging about his cheeks, nostrils, eyes.

He can't get away from them.


	20. Imagine

of circuitry and circular thinking

**a / n;** there's really no excuse for there being four months between updates, because honestly, I've had the next six chapters written for about six months. *prostrates self* I promise to keep them more frequent, but in the meantime, here's another 100-word drabble for you. :)

**prompt;** (94) imagine  
**rating;** K+

There's a world where she strolls London streets, where she reclines against park benches and his fingers brush her abdomen.

There's a world where he looks her in the eyes and says "What about Lyra?" and she says "What about Benjamin?" and they grin.

There's a world with Caradoc; Marlene; Lily and James. Where she goes to sleep and dreams, wakes up to a copy of _The Daily Prophet_ filled with politics, recipes, unfortunate accidents and she frowns and thinks 'how terrible' but really they're only words on paper.

There's a world where she's happy, but it doesn't _really_ exist.


	21. Curious

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt; **(64) curious  
**rating;** K+

Wanting Emmeline Vance is like wanting to hold the atmosphere in your fist—it's there until you close your fingers around it.

Loving her is like loving a dream—waking up and realizing you don't remember it at all; it never even existed in the first place.

The two of you don't work. It's an unspoken rule: _'Sirius and Emmeline?' 'Never'_

"I love you," you say, testing the syllables against your tongue.

"I love you, too."

Neither of you miss the falseness of the words. Neither of you care. You're just two inquisitive children playing at a game without consequence.


	22. Train

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (82) train  
**rating;** K

* * *

"What are you doing here, Black?" She looks at him, caught between heaving her trunk into an empty compartment and scowling. It's her last year and he is decidedly out of place.

"Well, you see Em, I got to thinking and decided I couldn't, in good conscience, deprive Hogwarts of Sirius Black for an entire year, could I?" he smirks, "And what would all the pretty witches do without my devilishly good looks and charm?"

The whistle sounds and she rolls her eyes.

"I'll miss you, too," she whispers in his ear before shutting the compartment door in his face.


	23. Smirk

of circuitry and circular thinking

**prompt;** (99) smirk  
**rating;** K

**a / n;** The original title of this chapter was 'Kelsey's-horrible-attempt-at-something-lighthearted-that's-likely-to-cause-an-embolism'. That didn't shorten prettily, however, so you're left with the stereotypical prompt name. If you're brave, enjoy.

* * *

"I was wondering, Vance, if you would be so kind as to help a fellow Gryffindor out," Sirius grins.

He's supposed to be cleaning trophies, but he is momentarily unsupervised, unless you counted James Potter, which no one ever would.

"I've got this _urgent_ letter, you see, and_ of course _I would take it to the owlery myself, but Filch'll have me here until I've missed my N.E.W.T.s, so..."

"And, _what_ exactly is in it for me?"

"Long-lasting friendship?"

"Bad idea, Vance," James smirks, twisting a filthy rag, "he made me that offer once and see what it's done for me?"


	24. Dogs

**of circuiry and circular thinking**

**a / n ; **There's only one pre-written chapter after this. I knew my slacking would catch up to me eventually. Enjoy.

**prompt; **(86) dogs  
**rating; **K

He sees her once, once he's out of Azkaban and on the run. She's slipping her way through Hogsmeade Village—less substance and more spectral—_oh, the years have changed her. _

He follows after her, reveling in her shoeprints in the mud, the smell of her hair as it clings to the air around her, the sound of her voice, the paleness of her legs, the aching lucidity of the moment.

She's still beautiful, beautiful in the way glass collecting dust is beautiful—fragile and forgotten.

He longs to touch her, feel her name on his tongue.

"Shoo, filthy mutt."


	25. Family

**of circuitry and circular thinking**

**a / n ; **Oh hey, hella long pause in updating. But at least the collection is now officially a quarter of the way complete. At this rate it will only take me three more years to finish it! ._.

Anyway, because a couple of you have expressed a desire for some more development: this is in the same vein as 'baby' and 'imagine'.

**prompt ; **(52) family  
**rating ; **K+

In the years after Azkaban, his fingers sometimes brush her abdomen in a gesture he's half-forgotten—hesitant, as if he isn't sure what to do with them.

His hands are cold, and he tells himself that's the reason she stiffens ever so slightly, why she leans away from him and falls silent, creating a vacuum between them.

He doesn't attempt to fill it with laughter or break the tension with a witty remark like the old him would have done. He lets it grow like some insidious weed—thinks of other things that grew between them once upon a time.


	26. Hard

**of circuitry and circular thinking**

**a / n ; **Once again, it's been too long, and I apologize. Life's been hectic with school and work and planning my next academic year abroad (Guess who'll be living in Tokyo come September!). But, hey, I've gotten some really lovely reviews lately (I suppose I have the Reviews Lounge Too to thank for that) and it's really reminded me what I loved about this undertaking in the first place.

**prompt ; **(53) hard  
**rating ; **K+

He's slumped against his kitchen counter when she finds him—eyes bloodshot and face unshaven, and he's giving her a look that has her fingers knotted in her skirt.

"I heard about your brother," she says, stepping closer, "I'm sorry."

He turns back to the drink in his hand and snorts.

"Don't be. Bloody Death Eater got what he deserved. Good riddance as far as I'm concern—"

And he's cut off by the open palm connecting with his cheek. _Hard_.

"_Don't."_ She barks, and when he looks at her there's moisture in his eyes that isn't from the stinging.


	27. Hufflepuff

**of circuitry and circular thinking**

**prompt; **(o4) Hufflepuff  
**rating;** K

"Vance, Emmeline," McGonagall calls, and a raven-haired and rosy-cheeked girl detaches herself from the remaining knot of first years.

He can't help but notice the way her knees tremble and knuckles whiten as she settles herself on the stool, and he turns to James and says, "A Hufflepuff if ever I saw one."

"Yeah?" James says before sizing her up, a boyish smirk plastered on his face, "I'd almost rather be a _Slytherin_. At least _they're_ interesting."

But the Sorting Hat barely touches her hair before loudly declaring, "GRYFFINDOR!"

And this won't be the last time he's wrong about her.


	28. Chicken

**of circuitry and circular thinking**

**prompt; **(36) chicken  
**rating;** K+

"You know, you don't have to look after me, Remus," she tells him one evening when he's turned up at her flat with dinner once again—greasy, fast food chicken by the looks of it, "I get that _he_ was your best mate, but you're not obligated to help me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Emmeline," his tone is matter-of-fact and his smile is weary but earnest, "someone has to make sure you're eating properly."

"Is this what you call proper?" she almost-laughs, and he notes the slight swell of her abdomen, and thinks under different circumstances she would have been beautiful.


	29. Mustache

**of circuitry and circular thinking**

**a / n ; **So, it's been more than a year and a half since I've updated this, and I can't begin to formulate an excuse as to why. The closest I can come is saying that I've been studying abroad in Tokyo this past year and have been having entirely too much fun while doing so, so I guess time just got away from me. That being said, it has never been my intention to abandon this project, and I hope to see it through to the end. But thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time recently to critique and compliment this collection so far. It's reminded me how much I've enjoyed this. :)

**prompt; **(66) mustache  
**rating; **K+

With the stubble that's recently accumulated on his face, he thinks himself roguish and daring, like the pirate-princes and unsung heroes of his fantasies.

Maybe some girls' hearts are set a-thrum by the merest glance from the likes of his scruffy self, but Emmeline's isn't.

She likes to think herself a girl smart enough to know the difference between masculinity and a half-grown wizardling playing at it—she knows Sirius enough to know precisely which he is.

So, when he slings his arm around her, bringing his stubbly face close enough to scratch her cheeks—she ducks aside.

'No way.'


End file.
